Being bipolar sucks

Having bipolar, being bipolar … whatever the PC term is – can well and truly suck.

I’m not the hallucinating, horribly manic bipolar person, like the woman from that movie, Sybil was it? But the constant up and down of my hypomania and depression is such a pain. I hate that medication isn’t an exact fix – I can’t pop a pill and make it all better easily.

I do pop pills, I’m on three different meds for my bipolar and another couple for my fibromyalgia (and isn’t that another topic for a different day). Instead the meds make me tired, the fibro makes me tired, work makes me tired … and in the end I sleep as much as I can and keep on plugging along, and never feel like I’m making progress.

I want to be a writer … I desperately wish I could focus and concentrate enough to write and write and dust off every plot bunny I have, finish every story I’ve already started, write the big book I’ve dreamed of for years.

I want to be better at everything … and by everything I mean everything — If I could be a better mom I could manage to keep all the kids on all thier therapies and they’d make better progress. If I could be a better mom I would always pay attention to every little thing my boys say, and don’t say, when they look out the window and wish for a sunny day. If I could be a better mom I would be a better housekeeper *laughs* – but that one will never happen. If I could be a better mom I could keep the boys on schedules and make sure they brushed their teeth and washed their faces before every meal, that they took a bath every single night. If I was a better mom there would be less grumbling on my part and more enjoying of what they have to offer me every day. I mean, I stop to enjoy the little things, and I appreciate all the gains they’ve made. But it all seems so much harder, you know? I don’t feel able to just enjoy it because I feel like I’ve done everything I can do for them. Instead I feel horribly lacking as a mother. As a housekeeper, well I won’t even go there.

If I was better at organizing records and files and household stuff we’d never be behind on another bill. *snorts* Yeah right. But maybe we’d mostly be caught up most of the time. If I was better at staying on top of things, I would be able to remember when all the appointments for me and the kids were.

If I were better at working towards goals I wouldn’t be dreaming of all the little things I wish I was able to do, instead I would be doing them. All those stories I want to write, that book I’ve been dreaming of, the magazine articles I’ve considering pursueing. All of it would be in the works and I’d feel like I was doing something more with my life. And doesn’t that just sound so stupid? Something more? Like what? Being a mom of three special needs kids isn’t enough? Maybe if I felt like I was a good mom … but most of the time I really don’t. Oh, everyone seems to think I am – most everyone who deals with the kids thinks so … but I know better.

I know all the things I could be doing better. They eat at me. Pick at me. Pull me apart a little bit at a time.

Enough of the pity party. Wanted to check in since I hadn’t for a bit. I plan on trying to write a little bit everyday – it’s a small goal I’m setting for myself. So if anyone comes across and something resonates with you – let me know … it might encourage me to meet that goal. *smile*



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2 responses to “Being bipolar sucks

  1. Hey Kat,
    Just thinking of you and caught a few journal entries I’ve missed. And nothing you said sounds stupid at all. You sound very frustrated with lots of extremely valid things to be frustrated with. If you ever need to talk (or shout, freak out, etc.)I’ve got free long distance. 😉

    • Aw sweetie, thanks.
      I’ve missed chatting with you lately, but see you’ve been a busy bee with your fic 😀
      Don’t know if you caught the IM I sent you the other day (I sent it while you were offline … *smile*) but I wanted to give you HUGE kudos for the mommy’s day gift – You and another friend both gave me a great Mother’s Day surprise. My gang was busy dealing with other things and no real ‘Day’ happened here, so it was extra nicew.

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